Spring has officially arrived, and I refuse to admit that it's only early March and it could potentially snow again any day. Right now it's 63 degrees and sunny. The sky is the bluest blue I've seen in ages, and I'm going to bask, bask I tell you. The gloriousness moved in Friday morning, and when I strolled leisurely to campus I walked past groups of jocks and their girlfriends playing bags with plastic cups of what I can only assume was Natty Ice. The SAEs were gathered on their porch, blaring their music and laughing. As I crossed Main Street and took in the beautiful view of Shilling and its sprawling front yard, more students were tossing frisbees or laying out in the newly green grass. I walked into Shilling, and headed to Nue Mue to get my daily dose of theatre major love and gossip only to discover it empty. "How silly of me," I thought. "Why on earth would we be inside?" I skipped easily past Einstein's and out to the back of Shilling where my beloved friends were chilling joyously on the steps of the ashtray or playing four-square with our new yellow smiley face ball.
Then, I stopped short, feeling that familiar catch in my throat. It hit me like a ton of bricks that this is the last "first day of spring" I'll have at Millikin. Sure, we'll be hanging out on those steps by the quad for the rest of the year, but there's something so thrilling about that first day. I was knocked out of my nostalgic haze by Mike screaming my name from the four square "field," and smiled as I took my seat next to everyone else on the spectator steps.
I realize that I'm a senior, and I've been having these moments sporadically all year. When I went to see the opening of "The Spitfire Grill" on Wednesday, it came at the end of the first act when I discovered that it was the last Mainstage I'd see here. I can't even think about what will happen to me when Romeo and Juliet rolls around. I'm writing my pieces for Un Bit, and all of them seem to be somehow related to being a senior, graduation, or adulthood. I need to snap out of it and get some funny going, stat. It's just so strange. I couldn't wait to graduate high school. As much as I made the best of everything and had a great time in choir and drama and all that, in the end, I couldn't leave soon enough.
I don't want to stay in college forever. I'm so excited to step out and stretch my legs, and I know I'm ready. But I've grown and changed so much in four years surrounded by this little school and the family I've made for myself in it. I'm moving to Chicago where I know I'll have a great little pocket of about half of that family, but the thought of not seeing the New Yorkers or the Minneapolis-ers every single day is something I don't think I'm ready to face yet. I am fully aware of how wretched I am at staying in touch with people. I never do it on purpose. Busy times happen, and when I realize I haven't seen/spoken with someone in ages, I'm afraid to even make the step. My high school insecurities about friends flood back in, and I worry they don't want to hear from me. I'm not that same little girl, though, who HAD to be completely confident and independent because I didn't think anybody really genuinely wanted me around. These people, these amazing people in my life are truly family. It's like that first time I referred to going "home" after class instead of going "back to the dorm/apartment." Despite the little fights, the unnecessary gossiping, whatever, we love each other. And we will always be there for each other.
I'm rambling and starting to not make sense, and I have to go to rehearsal. I've turned this glorious day into a melancholy one, and now I have to go mourn the death of my daughter. I'll end happily, though. I signed my contract for Rocky Mountain Rep today, and I CAN NOT WAIT to spend my summer doing theatre in the Rockies.
Huzzah and happy days!
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