about actually making a commitment to...anything

I'm pretty wretched when it comes to sticking to something. Examples: weight-loss programs, work-out programs, blogging, journaling, promises to keep in touch, not going to starbucks every morning plans... let's just say my will power on a scale of 1-10, 1 being non-existent, 10 being total commitment is an average and ever-wavering 3. 5 in a good week. But I'll give this one to me: I am AWESOME at taking the step to write down, pledge, plan etc a new commitment to destroying an old demon or starting a new positive movement. I'm a champ. And usually that step takes me about five days, and then it's off the wagon yet again. Well, folks. Here she goes again.

I commit to:

a better me. 

Maybe I'm better in generalities than in specifics. Though, they do tend to emphasize making small specific goals as steps to a larger goal. The thing is, I've committed to those awesome little baby steps so many times I lost sight of why I was even keeping a food journal or writing affirmations at the ends of journal entries. What do the small steps matter if I've lost sight of the big picture. In the end, don't we all just want to be happy? What if we forget that that really might just be it? I've gotten back into yoga recently. At the end of class, we usually chant om 1-3 times. One Saturday morning, Roxianne, my favorite instructor, told us we would be chanting om namah shivaya. I bow to Shiva. The true identity. The inner-self. We are nothing if not ourselves. I bow to Shiva. 

about being a bad blogger

It's not that I haven't had time, I just literally never think about it. I'm going to commit to being better though. Funnily, quite a good deal has happened in the last, oh, month and a half since my last post. A few days after I posted, we went out to the Lariat, our favorite watering-hole where I had the pleasure of meeting Omer, a local business owner from Istanbul who splits his time between his store in Grand Lake and his stores back in Turkey. I fell pretty hard for him, and we had a fantastic time together.

Mom and Dad came the following week and thoroughly enjoyed the splendor of the Rockies as well as the magic of this mountain town with its special theatre. They loved it and hope to visit again and again (as do I). 

Once they left, summer truly began. By that I mean, we weren't spending eight hours a day rehearsing, three performing, and two changing sets. We performed at night and had the days to ourselves. Well, that is if we weren't working the box office or youth theatre. I was working the latter. It was an absolute (exhausting) joy to work with forty eight-year-olds on an hour-long song-and-dance show. They were adorable. It was fun to feel like a rock star, the way these kids look up to you. Tiresome, but worth it. After that ended, I actually got to spend time at the Grand Lake Lodge pool, which is conveniently located on the side of a mountain over-looking the lake. Heaven? Heaven. 

I've gone white-water rafting and horseback-riding, both of which I would do over and over again. I've gotten a tan for the first time in several years. I had a lovely summer romance which ended well and I feel confident saying we'll keep in touch. I've made lots of fantastic new friends, many of whom are heading to Chi-town, so I know we'll keep in touch. I've discovered the glory of the outdoors. I've discovered a deeper pleasure of solitude and a greater need for social gathering. I think I can say that this has been, without a doubt, the greatest summer of my adult life, thus far. As much as I'm feeling the tug to change and go home for a bit, I feel utterly changed for the better by this place. It will forever hold a special place in my heart. 

About opening 2 shows and finally seeing the splendor of the Rockies...

Brigadoon: Opened. Glorious. Wonderful. A total blast. I teared up backstage during the overture because of the shocking reality that this is my job. I've actually turned my childhood dress-up, sing-a-longs into a career that pays. It's weird. And thrilling. I feel blessed and so, so lucky. Of course, I cried numerous times throughout the evening: the champagne toast in the dressing rooms, the after-party while thanking my directors, the after-after-party by the campfire completely toasted with the cast, crew, and new found worldly friends from the local hostel. It was beyond fabulous. The next morning's splitting headache was cured by a greasy breakfast from the Fat Cat cafe, which is owned by a feisty British woman who gives herself electro-shock therapy and bakes the most mouthwatering English scones I've ever tasted. All-in-all, a wonderful weekend.

Pirates: Opened. Hilarity abounding. It was insanely fun. It's just one of the funniest shows ever written anyway. Another rollicking night of toasts, drinking, and campfire fun ensued. However, instead of following with a headache-ridden brunch the next morning, I got up with some friends, threw the top down on the ol' convertible and headed through Rocky Mountain National Park to Estes Park.

God's Country? I live in it. I saw so much...EVERYTHING. I can't even describe how moving it was, because no pictures, words, songs, no nothing could even do justice to the places I experienced. And the beauty is, I have 9 weeks to experience it again. Well, 7 weeks considering I'll have no time from now till when All Shook Up opens on the 3rd, but still. It was breathtaking. That's all I can say. Being amid nature at its most glorious revitalized my spirit and renewed my positivity and gave me the energy and hope to keep moving forward. 

Estes Park? Lovely. Bigger than Grand Lake and complete with a fantastic sushi place. It was the best day to date. 

Now, we're working on All Shook Up, which will no doubt be oodles of fun. I realize I talk about how "fun" everything is, but shouldn't it always be just that? Fun? If I'm not genuinely enjoying myself, why on earth am I doing it? It is fun. Even the shitty parts. Even the exhausting parts. I come home fatigued and famished at the end of a day that started with a music rehearsal, continued with a dance rehearsal, revved up for a show, cooled down with a complete set-changeover, and would I change a thing? Nope. Well, I'd take away the tireds, but then it would be real. If it weren't hard, it would be a fairytale, and that would just be creepy. 

Still, it's magical, and I love it. 

Thanks, Colorado. 

About getting ready to open a show...

It's overwhelming. I won't lie, yesterday was my first rough day here. Don't worry. I still love everyone and everything about this place, it just finally hit me that I haven't really had the time to recharge my batteries in 10 days. If you know me, you know that I need some "alone-time" here and there to just sit, write, read, THINK, whatever. Up here, I hadn't even had time to do laundry, grocery shop, or make a decent meal, let alone chill out. Last night before our 2nd run of Brigadoon, I felt like crying. Certainly not an unusual feeling for me, but one I hadn't experienced since first arriving in Mountain Utopia. Luckily, the people here are amazing, and two lovely individuals, Christina and one of my roommates Aly drove the 20 miles to Granby with me so I could get groceries. It was nice to drive and relax and have someone remind me that it was perfectly ok to be upset every once in awhile. 

I woke up at 6:45 this morning to go to my mom's friend's condo to have breakfast and do my laundry. I found it completely refreshing and revitalizing to have that time for myself, so now I think I'll start doing it every morning. Not the laundry and mooching off of mother's friend, of course, but the extra hour in the morning for me. 

I'm happy and grateful for good friends and refreshing mornings for myself. I think these two important components of my life will make this summer even more spectacular. 

Back to the opening of a show on, oh, FRIDAY. I think it will be good! I'm not going to lie, I'm not entirely used to this whole Repertory schedule yet, but I like the whole throwing it up on to its feet thing. It hasn't had the chance to get stale yet, which, considering we have 20 actual performances to go is a very good thing. Pirates is up and running, and going to be beyond adorable. I forgot how utterly charming Gilbert and Sullivan are. 

Today was good. Tomorrow will be, also.

About 9 to 9 rehearsals...

Quite fun, actually. I really love being constantly busy and working. I'm having so much fun, it almost seems like a crime to get paid for it. Almost. Of course, I'm still a bit of a loner and have a tendency to miss my alone time here and there, but, for the most part, I haven't got a complaint. 

Goodness gracious, though. I swear every kind, genuine, wonderful, loving, giving person lives in Grand Lake, CO for the summer. And they all sure do love their Repertory theatre. Dinners, discounts, free drinks and apps at the bars after rehearsals, what could be better? I just feel so blessed to be in this fantastic, magical place for the summer. Yes, I realize it's the honeymoon and it will get harder and more tiring as the weeks go on until all of these shows are up, opened, and running, but for now, it's Heaven in the mountains. 

I'm a lucky girl.

     

About mountain driving...

It's really not that terrible. I mean, my car was like, "What the eff!" considering how many times I had to gun it to get up a mountain only to pump the brakes to make it down, but other than that, not a problem. The worst part is not being able to completely take in the breathtaking views because of the whole focusing on not swerving off a mountain to my death thing. Also, it's a bad idea to attempt opening a giant, full bottle of water between your legs as it may erupt like a volcano all over your crotch area, thus making you appear like a pants-pee-er when you show up to your new job. Lesson learned. 

So far, things are good. I'm unpacked, I'm not on the top-bunk (thank GOD, as I surely would have fallen off many times. I didn't make it up the mountain only to die crashing out of bed), everyone is lovely, and I anticipate a fantastic summer is in the works.

PS--totes on mountain time, as promised.

Nail polish

Sometimes I think I get manicures or put polish on my nails for the sheer pleasure of picking it off a day or two later. That activity occupies many bored minutes, and no matter how frustrated I am that my newly prettied nails are chipping away to nothing so quickly, I always enjoy helping the chipping process along. This may be gross and stupid, but I can't help it.

On a different note, I leave in 7.5 hours for Colorado. I'm psyched to say the very least. I'm also pretty sure I overpacked. By a lot. But it all fit into my trunk and not even half of my backseat. That's pretty good, right? Eesh. I just don't want to be the dumb midwest non-outdoorsy girl who brought more than a toothbrush. It's a company of actors, though. I can't be the only slightly (or seriously) high-maintenance person in the mountains, right? Right. 

Back to chipping. 

I'll write next on Mountain Time. 

Sweet.

Enough already

I love Jon&Kate+8. I loved it from the beginning. Aaden is my favorite. Mady is a little biotch, but you gotta love her. Girl's got spunk. I always admired these two people for being great parents and having what looked like a pretty solid relationship. 

Seriously, though. Take the show off the air. I always loved the show for it's pure adorable nature. Tonight's premiere was not adorable. I knew it wouldn't be. In fact, the only reason I watched the whole episode was because I sincerely hoped the last two minutes would be Jon and Kate making an announcement that they, sadly, were putting an end to their widely popular show to do focus on what's best for their family. Nope. Instead, the show ended as usual, with a plug for next week's episode. TLC has removed the actual "real" aspect of their generally quality reality show and replaced it with the drama of a marriage in shambles. No one wants to see that. It's really disheartening. I can honestly say, gulp, I would rather, gulp, watch, gulp-gag, the Duggars than see this heartbreak consuming the airwaves. 

I wish them the best and hope they can find a way to do what's best for everyone. Thus endeth my relationship with this show. I can't watch it anymore. 

Today, I graduate

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."--Dr. Seuss

Thanks Dr. Seuss. And thanks also to:

My teachers, who gave me knowledge, confidence, and guidance.

My family, who supported my 1000% no matter how crazy it got.

And, of course, my dear, dear friends, who made everything fun, crazy, happy, tearful, joyful, exciting, and worth it. 

I love you. 

Congrats, Class of 2009!!

Would that I could fly...

It's May tomorrow, and I want to make baskets of goodies to place on doorsteps, then ding-dong-ditch in the most whimsical of manners. It's been rainy off and on today, and I wish the sun would gain the energy and strength to just shine. I can't blame it, though. I'm feeling a bit lackadaisical myself. I was almost entirely broke until I got $500 as part of my acting award for time spent here at Millikin. It was a real honor and a much needed prize. I am happy and grateful I didn't spend it all before I got to Colorado to start making money again. Speaking of Colorado, I just remembered how completely ecstatic I am to get there and start playing. I can only imagine that complete and utter fun will ensue. What could be better than a summer in the Rockies? I am planning to knock many things off of my "things to do before I die" list this summer: horseback riding, mountain climbing, white water rafting, all those outdoorsy things that are so not my style and I never thought I would seriously ever do. I'm going to do them. Hardcore. Plus, you know, that whole acting, singing thing I've been earning a degree in for four years. Tuesday is the last day of classes...ever. Well, unless the whole grad school thing starts to look more appealing. It sure doesn't right now. 

I was about to get really sad, but, as I've said before and I'll continue to reiterate, I'm inviting positive energy into my house. Forgive the existentialism. Not that there's anyone there reading to forgive it, these posts are for me, but I shall indulge myself. This once.

Shut up and let me go

I'm a little obsessed with this song. It puts a happy little kick in my step and adds just the right blend of angst and joy to my end-of-college mentality. 

For some reason, I've been checking cheap tickets to anywhere on a daily basis. I've given my craigslist apartment hunt a rest considering I'm not moving to Chicago until January, so places available then aren't showing up yet. I don't know why I'm trying to plan a trip I won't be able to afford and really have no reason to take. I think it comes from the knowledge of permanence in my future. I'm trying to throw in as much spontaneity as possible before I know I'll have to stay put for a while, at least long enough to "establish a presence" in my adopted home. 

We were in Chicago for Kayla's bachelorette party this past weekend. It was the first time I'd been there since the two weeks at Second City in July when I decided I wanted to live there. It was beautiful, sunny (though a bit chilly), and friendly. Honestly, a group of 11 drunk girls + 1 drunk Chase all sporting penis straws, naughty t-shirts and one huge glow-in-the-dark fallice could have spelled disaster and either our arrest or booting from the city permanently. Not the case, however. We were met with nothing but cheers and knowing smiles. Oh, and LOTS of free shots. Further confirmation that it really is the best city in the world. 

Romeo and Juliet opens tomorrow, and I think the high of an opening is starting to hit me. Finally. I realized that I don't want to put any negative energy into the atmosphere, as I've said before, and regardless of anything, this play is one of my all-time favorites. Last night, as I quoted pretty much the entirety of the balcony scene backstage along with Kersten and Dion, I remembered when I learned all of those lines: reading out of my Mom's English text book to a metal pole "Romeo" in my basement around the age of 10. God, I'm such a geek. Bottom line, the story kind of rocks, and I think Lady Capulet is pretty fierce. Plus, it's my last show at this school, which is so bittersweet I can't even talk about it. 

Happy thoughts and hopeful dreams for this Tuesday.

Oh, PS--watched Milk again the other day... it's so flipping brilliant. 

Midwestern Pride

The Supreme Court in Iowa today unanimously upheld the constitutional rights of every man and woman regardless of sex, race, creed, etc. Bravo, Iowa. Let's hope 46 more states follow in your footsteps. 

Huge victory for equality.

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20090403/NEWS/90403010

i thank You God for most this amazing

day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything

which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth

day of life and love and wings:and of the gay 

great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing 

breathing any-lifted from the no

of all nothing-human merely being doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and 

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

-e.e. cummings

Cummings is my favorite because when I don't have the words to say what I feel, he always does. Of course, they're much more beautiful than any I could have written myself. 

It's a beautiful day today. Just slightly nippy, like that last breath of winter blowing us gently, and ever-so-bitingly into April. The sky is that indescribable blue that invites a strained neck from the constant desire to look up, up, up. No clouds, no typical Decatur soy stench, no threat of rain...just spring. The blossoms are starting to open, and the only thing I long for is a temperature just ten degrees warmer so I could put the top down on my convertible and cruise to the lake by way of Starbucks for an iced latte...and maybe a splurge on a toffee-almond-chocolate-bar-of-calorie-packed-delicious. mmmmm....

I've decided that I will waste no time on stress for the rest of the year. Things will get done because they just will. I will work to the very best of my ability and not strive for more. Things may not be perfect, they may not go off without glitches, but they will be finished and enjoyable. I want to rid myself of negative thought, so if that means excusing myself from certain conversations or situations, so be it. I will not leave in six weeks with a bitter taste in my mouth. I will hold in my heart nothing but fondness, tinges of heaviness for loss, and excitement for the future. 

People are inherently good. I will always remember this. 

I thank You God(de) for most this amazing day...

The Duggars: WTF

Out of sheer boredom and lack of options, I watched an episode of 17 Kids and Counting on TLC last night. In the course of an hour, I learned quite a bit about this large family (apparently they let God decide the size of their family. Come on, people. God's not gonna give you a "how to" when it comes to birth control. That's why God invented sex education.) Any-hoo, here's a quick overview of my Duggar-Discoveries:

1. It's OK to change a typical spelling of a name so that it starts with a J in order to continue with a stupid tradition. Sorry, Jinger. 

2. There is someone out there manufacturing "modest swimwear" for hyper-conservatives like these folks. Not that any other family out there needed to be this neurotic about modesty. Let's face it, with 17 kids, the Duggars alone could keep this company in business. I just felt sorry for the poor little ones suffering in the heat in these suits.

3. There actually exists, brace yourselves, a CREATION MUSEUM. Here are some "highlights" from the website:

Walk Through Biblical History

This walk through history is the centerpiece of the Creation Museum and features amazing scientific and biblical answers for the world we live in today.

This one-way, self-guided tour begins at the Canyon Entrance as you enjoy viewing a dinosaur excavation! Everyone has the same facts, but we don’t all have the same starting points. Using the Bible as your starting point, prepare to travel back 6,000 years to the dawn of creation as you enjoy the Six Days Theater. Witness the true time line of the universe unfold through the 7 C’s of History. The final three C’s of Christ, Cross, and Consummation provide a powerful finale to our centerpiece in the Last Adam Theater—illuminating God’s redemptive plan throughout history.

Golly Gee, Jedediah! 6,000 WHOLE years?!?! Wow, I wish the dinosaurs were still with us today like they were with our ancestors...

Special Effects Theater

Featuring Men in White

(22 minutes)

Wendy has questions and the Men in White have answers. Come in and experience the sights, sounds, and thrills of the Bible and science in our unforgettable Special Effects Theater. Prepare to believe. You won’t want to miss this amazing show, included with general admission.

Yes...It IS important to further emphasize the superiority of "White Men." What ever would we do without their vast array of Biblical and "Scientific" knowledge?

I think the worst part about this particular portion of the episode was listening to all of the kids' testimonials. Of course, they're home-schooled, so they've never even heard the "other" side. We heretical Evolution-ers would have quite the influence on the Duggar angels.

4. This family is genuinely loving and caring. 

But so is my family. They left their family size up to God. My parents used some kind of birth control, but would never say God wasn't a factor in their lives. I'm a spiritual person who believes in God, but I also believe the Creation story in the Bible is a lovely fable. They would probably consider me to be immodest and lewd...ok, I haven't got an argument there, but I'm a pretty good person. 

I guess to each his own. These people aren't hurting anyone, and I suppose I'm being pretty damned judgmental (which, let's face it, is what I'm trying to make them out to be) but is it bad that they just creep me out? I want to take sweet little Jinger and some of the others and show them how life is on the other side. I know that it all boils down to trying to live good lives. They do it their way, I do it mine. I haven't heard them make any disturbing comments about other religions, premarital sex, homosexuality, abortion, etc. but I feel like I know what they would have to say on all these subjects and I'm pre-judging them to be judgmental. Oops. But seriously, why do they get to be on television? I've considered that there is a severe lack in "morality" on TV these days, but I just monumentally disagree with this way of living. TLC didn't ask me, though. 

Harumph. I have so much to say on this topic, but now I'm talking in circles and missing a mini-marathon of the better family. I'm referring, of course, to the fabulous Jon and Kate Plus 8. 

Reasons to be happy on Thursday, March 12, 2009

1. I skipped Directing I to get all of my RMRT stuff finished, finalized and mailed.
2. I went the wrong way down a one way in a town I've been living in for four years while I was trying to find the Macon County Sheriff's Office. Luckily there was a cop right there who pulled me over (well, I pulled over in anticipation of his pulling me over) laughed with me at the whole situation, and walked me to the sheriff's department himself.
3. Finished my Seagull analysis...12 pages, thank you very much, and I never want to look at it again. I'm fully ready to play Arkadina when the time comes...in 20 years.
4. Watched the progress of the Acting 2 students for whom I TA. I'm like a proud mother sometimes, I swear.
5. I finished writing the newest, hippest version of the Sleeping Beauty tale with my dear friend Joel. I think we're pretty damn brilliant...at the very least, we're clever.
6. I accepted the role of Ghost of Christmas Past for the Midwest Tour of Nebraska Theatre Caravan's A Christmas Carol. Two professional gigs nailed down.
7. Thanks to above reality, am beginning to feel more ready and confident about stepping out of the Milli-Bubble and making my childhood dreams a reality.
8. Making corny statements like "making my childhood dreams a reality."
9. This time tomorrow, I'll be in my comfy home in Des Moines, for my very last official spring break.

All in all, a good day.

This is just glorious

Spring has officially arrived, and I refuse to admit that it's only early March and it could potentially snow again any day. Right now it's 63 degrees and sunny. The sky is the bluest blue I've seen in ages, and I'm going to bask, bask I tell you. The gloriousness moved in Friday morning, and when I strolled leisurely to campus I walked past groups of jocks and their girlfriends playing bags with plastic cups of what I can only assume was Natty Ice. The SAEs were gathered on their porch, blaring their music and laughing. As I crossed Main Street and took in the beautiful view of Shilling and its sprawling front yard, more students were tossing frisbees or laying out in the newly green grass. I walked into Shilling, and headed to Nue Mue to get my daily dose of theatre major love and gossip only to discover it empty. "How silly of me," I thought. "Why on earth would we be inside?" I skipped easily past Einstein's and out to the back of Shilling where my beloved friends were chilling joyously on the steps of the ashtray or playing four-square with our new yellow smiley face ball.

Then, I stopped short, feeling that familiar catch in my throat. It hit me like a ton of bricks that this is the last "first day of spring" I'll have at Millikin. Sure, we'll be hanging out on those steps by the quad for the rest of the year, but there's something so thrilling about that first day. I was knocked out of my nostalgic haze by Mike screaming my name from the four square "field," and smiled as I took my seat next to everyone else on the spectator steps.

I realize that I'm a senior, and I've been having these moments sporadically all year. When I went to see the opening of "The Spitfire Grill" on Wednesday, it came at the end of the first act when I discovered that it was the last Mainstage I'd see here. I can't even think about what will happen to me when Romeo and Juliet rolls around. I'm writing my pieces for Un Bit, and all of them seem to be somehow related to being a senior, graduation, or adulthood. I need to snap out of it and get some funny going, stat. It's just so strange. I couldn't wait to graduate high school. As much as I made the best of everything and had a great time in choir and drama and all that, in the end, I couldn't leave soon enough.

I don't want to stay in college forever. I'm so excited to step out and stretch my legs, and I know I'm ready. But I've grown and changed so much in four years surrounded by this little school and the family I've made for myself in it. I'm moving to Chicago where I know I'll have a great little pocket of about half of that family, but the thought of not seeing the New Yorkers or the Minneapolis-ers every single day is something I don't think I'm ready to face yet. I am fully aware of how wretched I am at staying in touch with people. I never do it on purpose. Busy times happen, and when I realize I haven't seen/spoken with someone in ages, I'm afraid to even make the step. My high school insecurities about friends flood back in, and I worry they don't want to hear from me. I'm not that same little girl, though, who HAD to be completely confident and independent because I didn't think anybody really genuinely wanted me around. These people, these amazing people in my life are truly family. It's like that first time I referred to going "home" after class instead of going "back to the dorm/apartment." Despite the little fights, the unnecessary gossiping, whatever, we love each other. And we will always be there for each other.

I'm rambling and starting to not make sense, and I have to go to rehearsal. I've turned this glorious day into a melancholy one, and now I have to go mourn the death of my daughter. I'll end happily, though. I signed my contract for Rocky Mountain Rep today, and I CAN NOT WAIT to spend my summer doing theatre in the Rockies.

Huzzah and happy days!

Late Nights, Loud Thoughts

Today was an ass-kicker. Not that anything I did today was terribly difficult, but I was busy for pretty much every minute between noon and, oh, about 2 minutes ago. This isn't unusual for me, but it was the first day of its kind this semester, so it kind of took me by surprise. This week picks up day by day, and Romeo and Juliet starts next week, so I'll pretty much be in Energizer Bunny Mode until, oh, graduation.

Woah.

Graduation...

Nope, not time for that post yet. I've got too many other immediate things to write about. Namely, Kari Margolis, who is a guest artist at Millikin for a couple of weeks. Being in Romeo and Juliet keeps me from being eligible for casting in her project, but I did get to attend her workshop last night. She's this intense, dark-featured 53-year-old woman with deep-set eyes and wrinkles and huge curly black hair. She flaunts her fabulous physique with her black belly-tops, and who can blame her. If I look that fantastic at 53, I'll walk around naked. Hell, if I had that body now...anyway.

Her whole philosophy is about developing a tool basket for actors the way musicians have scales. It's very breath-based and physical. I could go on and on about the individual exercises she had us do, but I can sum up by saying I walked into the theatre depressed, unenergized, and pissy. I walked out with my chin up, breathing deeply, ready to conquer anything. This was after an hour and a half; and I remembered why I love theatre so fucking much. I've had a lot of realizations about myself as an actor over these (almost) four years at this school, but I feel like all of the important ones are flooding into me this semester. I'm sure they've been a long-time coming, and I'm only just now being about to point them out, but it's exciting. Anymore, the semester just feels like a slow countdown from ten. I'm ready for the 3,2,1 GO, and the anticipation is bubbling so much I feel I could burst at any second. Of course, then I talk with my friends about planning our post-graduation banquet with our parents, and I think about that Monday morning after it's all over, and I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't know how the bubbling anticipation and the sinking dread co-exist, but co-exist they do. Writing about them now, I can almost feel the conflict, and it's giving me a kind of vertigo. I want to laugh and vomit at the same time. I'm sure anyone who has been a second semester senior would tell me this is just typical. Well, that may be so, but typical sure feels like some exotic, completely illegal, mind-blowing drug. And I don't know what's "typical" about that.

Why is the first one always so hard?

That's what she said...

But I digress.

Already.

Ok. Yet another attempt at the oddity that is "blogging." I'm always so very inconsistent with these things. Not that it matters, though, because I think I am my only audience member. And I'm fine with that. I have an outlet for my thoughts. It's a little black journal that sits next to my bed. I write in it every night. It used to be a little blue journal, but I finally filled that one. I liked that one better. It invited my thoughts more. I know it's stupid, don't ask me why, but I liked it more. I'm already thinking about getting a different journal to replace this little black one. I sense a pattern...livejournal, facebook, myspace, blogspot, blue journal, black journal. I've always been picky and fickle about the stupidest things, meanwhile not giving two shits about major things like...oh, I don't know...hair color? Not that major, I realize, but I'm tired and can't think of serious things.

I make stupid jokes. (i.e. that's what she said) Really, I'm a twelve-year-old boy, if we go by my typical humour, although I've been known to crack somewhat sophisticated jokes on a regular basis. And, yes, I still spell humour with a u even though I haven't been in the UK for over a year, and even then, it was only three months. I like to imagine I'm actually British. Well, no, a charming American who has adapted to the British ways after spending extended amounts of time there. Have I mentioned I'm also a daydreamer? I can't even think about the countless hours I've wasted dreaming up scenarios about my life now, and the one I think I'll be living this time next year. Imagined jobs, apartments, boyfriends, dogs, washboard abs...it's all so fabulous in my head. There's no possible way any of it will happen the way it's all laid out in my head (except maybe for the dog and the washboard abs...I'm on my way), but a girl can dream. And, oh, do I.